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Posts from the ‘Cancer’ Category

Apr 4

The 15th Station

“EASTER MORNING The stirring wildness of God calls brittle bones to leaping and stone hearts to soaring. Old women dance among the stars.”— Kneeling in Jerusalem by Ann Weems

“In all ten directions of the universe, there is only one truth. When we see clearly, the great teachings are the same. What can ever be lost? What can be attained? If we attain something, it was there from the beginning of time. If we lose something, it is hiding somewhere near us.”― Ryokan

With a year of the pandemic, weekly church has been on YouTube, sitting on my couch drinking a cup of coffee. With more places opening and the vaccines getting out, I went to Good Friday’s Stations of the Cross “live” this year, all in attendance spaced appropriately with masks. Stations on Good Friday has been a tradition for years with my parents. My Dad will be gone five years on April 28 and as I sat through the service, I thought of the many times we went together.

There are 14 stations of the Cross that are reflected on and contemplated during the service:

  1. Jesus is condemned to death
  2. Jesus takes up His cross
  3. Jesus falls the first time under the Cross
  4. Jesus meets His afflicted mother
  5. Simon of Cyrene is forced to take up the Cross
  6. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
  7. Jesus falls a second time
  8. Jesus meets the Women of Jerusalem
  9. Jesus falls a third time
  10. Jesus is stripped of His garments
  11. Jesus is nailed to the Cross
  12. Jesus dies on the Cross
  13. The body of Jesus is placed in the arms of His Mother
  14. Jesus is laid in the tomb

The Lenten journey culminates today, Easter morning, in the glory of resurrection of Jesus. On Friday, the priest called the resurrection, the 15th Station.

We all have our own stations that we move through in life. The times we fall and keep getting up only to fall again. When we watch others suffer and can do nothing about it but be quietly present to witness and hold. When we help others, but complain about being interrupted and bothered like Simon, yet do it the same. When we are generous, wiping the face of another like Veronica. When we die to self again and again or cling tightly to offense, resentment and opinion, refusing to change and insisting others change instead. The 15th station is completed by the 14 stations that come before.

In our journey to the 15th station of resurrection, transformation, renewal, we do not walk alone for Jesus walked the path before us and remains with us in our journey if we choose to see.

Eternal spring, a well to return to again and again in our bewilderment, consternation and struggles. We are Easter people. Be changed and rise up. Happy Easter.

“AND THE GLORY The silence breaks into morning. That One Star lights the world. The lily springs to life and not even Solomon… Let it begin with singing and never end! Oh, angels, quit your lamenting! Oh, pilgrims, upon your knees in tearful prayer, rise up and take your hearts and run! We who were no people are named anew God’s people, for he who was no more is forevermore.”— Kneeling in Jerusalem by Ann Weems

Feb 21

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7300 Days

On Ash Wednesday, February 17, 1999, I went to mass at the St. Paul Cathedral and came back to the office to a voicemail from the Doctor. The previous Friday, I went in to have a mole on my right arm checked because it was itchy and changing color. They took a biopsy. I had gone to the clinic in early January, but there was no Doctor available so the nurse measured it and I came back for in February for the biopsy. I called the clinic back asking for Jan who wasn’t available. The operator asked for my name and immediately said hold on and I’ll get Jan. At that point, I figured Jan and I weren’t about to exchange our favorite recipes. Jan came on the line and told me she made an appointment for me on Friday to come in for a wide excision (cut it out) – “you have melanoma.”

I sat quietly in my chair at my office for a few minutes and then started to make calls to my family – tough calls. Blew off work (still need to do more of that), went to the Mall of America to watch an afternoon movie and hang out with family to pass the next 48 hours.

Friday comes. I go in ready to get this thing done and move on only to be told that it wasn’t a in office procedure since in the month between appointments, it went from Stage 1 to 3 of 5. They needed to schedule a hospital visit to do a sentinel node where they put dye in the area of the mole and track it for a few hours to see if the cancer spread to the lymph nodes by putting a big metal door next to your face to take pictures for 10-minute stints. If it did, then the procedure is to be put fully under, dig deep into the arm and then take some lymph nodes.

This appointment was yet another month later in March. Waiting was fun. Sure enough, three lymph nodes came back suspicious so they cut deep into my armpit to remove and test those little buggers, which then determines the post-surgery treatment plan. My wake up requests were a diet Mountain Dew and Hot Tamales and my wish was granted as we waited for the results. Most excellent news – the lymph nodes came back negative so no chemo or radiation. Regular visits to the dermatologist and hold out for that 5 year mark which is a great anniversary in cancer land.

Fast forward 7300 days – two decades later – and I celebrate 20 years cancer free. My story was a lucky one. I have many friends and family who had to do chemo, radiation and experimental drugs in the past two decades. Some haven’t won the battle.

I’ve decided to frame the celebration in days rather than decades as a reminder to be live and be present in each day because they quickly add up to decades and we don’t know where they’ve gone when we don’t participated fully in each day.

The most valuable gift that cancer gave me is an acute awareness of the brevity and fragility of life. The result is a shift in perspective to lighten up and take all the chaos that life throws at us much less seriously and know that there’s more to the story than we know.

A few more lessons: Enjoy each day and laugh. Judge less and love more. Tune out negativity. Let go. Keep learning. Age is number, stay young by being active. Pray, a lot. Keep trying. Worry less. Ask for help. Offer help even when it’s not asked for. Be kind. Change the stories that you tell yourself that hold you back. Feed, cultivate and activate faith, hope and joy. Let God be God – He’s got it and doesn’t need my help to screw up the plan. I do forget all of this often, but always return when I get off track. Returning home to all that’s real and true, that which I know deep in my soul that quietly whispers to me – “come back home, keep unfolding”.

So how does all of this lead to the picture of a snow blower? We’ve been throttled with snow this winter. We now get to win the most snow in February award in Minnesota. Spike the football – we win! Last night, on my second round of snow blowing the dense pile of snow at the end of the driveway from the snow plow, the snow blower didn’t start. Damn it! We’re going to be getting more snow and buying a new snow plow now when they are in demand is not the best purchasing decision. Buying a lawn mower would be good now since it’s going to be 6 months for the snow to melt. I picked up the old shovel and started digging. That’s what we need to do when an obstacle pops up – shut up, stop complaining, dig in and keep moving.

As I shoveled in the quiet dark evening, it occurred to me that I bought that snowblower 20 years ago with my Dad after I had surgery and couldn’t move my right arm for a month while the incision healed. A few days after my surgery, we got dumped on with 12 inches of snow. My Dad and neighbor dug me out. At that point, it was time for the snowblower. I think about my Dad every time I start that snow blower and so I wanted to take a photo to capture and hold that memory if the snowblower is going to the snowblower cemetery.

Long story today, but short lesson – enjoy your days, all 7300 of them. Go deeper and be present today. Each day adds up to make up your life. No do overs. Keep going.

May 10

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Seeds

“The seed never sees the flowers.” – Zen Proverb

Today we celebrate not only Mothers but all that they foster, grow and model for the world. Unconditional love, endurance, faith, peace, resilience, joy, laughter, forgiveness, compassion, hope, grace, friendship and family – all the traits and ties that bind and remind us that we are not alone on this journey. They show us that the impossible is possible.

My family ran the Race for the Cure this morning in honor of my cousin Julie who has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. We ran for her but also for ourselves. When you can’t do anything to change the situation, you doing anything that shows support and love that words can’t come close to describing.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.” – Dalai Lama

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” – Dalai Lama

As you enter each day, remember that you don’t know what others are going through and they don’t know what burdens weigh on you. Always act on the assumption that you can and should scatter and plant seeds of light, laughter and love. If you forget and need to be reminded how to do this, ask a Mom.

May 5

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Cutting Grass

“Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.” – Rabindranath Tagore

After a day of bouncing from one thing to the next, I rushed out of work to get home to cut my own grass and then my parents grass before the rain comes in tonight. Beat the clock before dark sets in, although I’ve been known to finish the grass in the dark. Some creative cut lines show up when morning comes.

Lawn mower starts on second pull, headset on, ready to roll. When I went from the front to the backyard, Molly and Lily were wrestling and having a grand time. I started to laugh as they each positioned to take the other down. Their delight was contagious. It always is. I get into the groove and lighten up a bit.

While it was a good day, my thoughts zoned in on the few difficult moments rather than the majority of good ones. Work thoughts quickly shifted to worries about a slew of family health issues ranging from hips to stage 4 breast cancer.

Amidst the weight of wanting to “fix” all of the health issues and difficult people in one fell swoop, the Beatles song, Let It Be got my attention, drowning out the drowning sound of the lawn mower. “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.”

It was just what I needed to hear, really hear. It’s funny, but never accidental, how God softly breaks through at just the right time. Never early, never late. And the message I needed most in a day filled with doing, digging faster and wanting to fix what’s not in my control was to “let it be.”

I got much more than the grass cut tonight for sure. There will be an answer, let it be.

Nov 18

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The Power of an Idea Set Free

“Everyone who’s ever taken a shower has an idea. It’s the person who gets out of the shower, dries off and does something about it who makes a difference.” – Nolan Bushnell

A few weeks ago on the national nightly news there was a “doing good” segment at the end, perhaps to balance the 25 minutes of “all that’s wrong with the world.” It was about a couple of college kids at St. Thomas University in Minnesota, so I perked up since my nephew graduated from there.

They had an idea and a few years later it’s now a 501(c)3 nonprofit called the Love Your Melon Foundation. Mission: To put a hat on the heads of all children battling cancer in America. How: You buy a hat (made in the USA to create jobs here) and they dress up as superheroes to deliver hats to kids going through cancer treatment. Buy a hat and one is given away. Simple and awesome.

“Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have.” – Margaret Mead

“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.” – Margaret Mead

My hat came in the mail yesterday and I wanted to share so this idea can continue to cast light for kids battling cancer and to honor the perseverance of a couple of college kids who pushed this idea into reality. We all have the power to do good. And when the ideas and goodness in our hearts are set free, each of us can change the world one person at a time. That’s the real news.

Spread the love – www.loveyourmelon.com

Feb 17

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BINGO

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – A. A. Milne

The sound of a text on the phone – a text from Linda today “Another year cancer-free. Hugs and kisses.” Today marks 15 years to the day I was called on Ash Wednesday, 1999 to be told that I had stage 3 melanoma. I had to be reminded. I forgot. She remembered. That’s what friends and family do – they remember, they celebrate, they hold up a mirror to show us the best of us – our soul, our spirit.

We remember the offenses, we remember the struggles, we remember the day and minute we get the call. We need to remember the laughter, the lessons and the steps that lead us to the many victories, the celebrations. Tonight, I had dinner with family and played a little bingo. Laughing, winning the meat raffle twice and sharing special moments that make up a good life. So as the numbers are being called, remember to yell “bingo” when you win. It’s more often than we count.

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” – James M. Barrie

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” – James M. Barrie

Oct 13

13 Comments

Be Brave

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

We often get defeated by the day to day, the small. Harsh words from a customer. Work filled with unending unreasonable deadlines. We get lost in transactions, lists and the sheer volume of tasks, losing our humanity in the process.

I started this blog to write more, to challenge my introverted self to open up and to search for the good in each day. We long to be lifted out of the small and to be cast into the moment, into the light. We have the power to shape our life and to encourage others along the way.

The video below was made by the University of Minnesota Amplatz Children’s Hospital. The young lady in the beginning of the video and who has the courage to remove her wig in the middle is the daughter of my boss. She’s gone through a second round of treatment for a rare cancer. The bright beautiful smile you see in the video is who she is through and through, finding and giving joy despite the depth of her circumstances. The video was posted on October 7th on YouTube and now has 288,820 hits.

Take a few minutes, turn up the volume and count your blessings. Be brave.

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