“When once your foot enters the church, be bare. God is more there, than thou: for thou art there Only by his permission. Then beware, And make thyself all reverence and fear. Kneeling ne’er spoil’d silk stocking: quit thy state All equal are within the church’s gate.” ― George Herbert, From the Temple
“A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The world is filled with cathedrals and altars.
Nature, heart, space and place, in others, in an embrace.
We need merely take notice, enter, drop to our knees.
May you see all of the places to run, to remain, to kneel today.
And do so.
Reverence. Awe. Wonder.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
“No one is so advanced in prayer that they do not have to return to the beginning.— St. Teresa of Avila
“the only way to survive the storms of the world is to shed all that is not essential, …the only way to survive inner storms is to let everything through.” – Mark Nepo, Surviving Storms: Finding the Strength to Meet Adversity
Some will run.
Some will stay.
Some will wait.
Some will not.
No rules or regulations.
No counting or keeping track.
Gratitude and reverence for those who remain, reside, wait.
The journey is individual first.
Communal and universal next.
No map, signposts, or markers, nothing exact, predictable or precise.
One step at a time journey, each day new.
Grief is not a “fun” topic but each will go through it many times in a lifetime.
Called to be here now.
Awake and aware.
Writing and sharing is a vulnerable space.
Honesty is my only response.
Perhaps, it could be a gift, a foretelling, an invitation to communion, community, belonging.
Be present to the gifts that you are steeped in right now.
Life is both slow and fast.
Before to after in a beat.
Shed the nonessential.
Grief does not reside alone though.
Laughter, memories, tears, wonder, joy all woven through.
No shortcuts or bypasses, right up the middle.
Unfolding a step at a time.
Underlayment, grounded in hope, love and grace.
Cast light, especially now, when it means even more.
Unlacing and weaving something new.
In due time, a step at a time too.
“The great moments of living reside, not in banishing what goes wrong, but in unlacing trouble and weaving tapestries with the laces.” – Mark Nepo, Surviving Storms: Finding the Strength to Meet Adversity
“May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you. May the luck of the Irish enfold you. May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.” – Irish Blessing
“May good luck be with you Wherever you go, and your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow. May your days be many and your troubles be few, May all God’s blessings descend upon you, May peace be within you, May your heart be strong, May you find what you’re seeking wherever you roam.” – Irish Blessing
See this day while you are in it.
Double blessing.
Awake in presence.
Relived in memory.
Use your words and silence well.
Life goes slow, then fast.
Drags and then flips on its head.
Beauty, love, joy woven through.
“May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.” – Irish Blessing
“When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.”― G.K. Chesterton
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” – Henri Nouwen
This past week, I’ve been running on sheer adrenaline. Last night, I felt the weight of the week fully and was both exhausted and so grateful. Gratitude and grief co-exist. We don’t get one or the other. There’s a menu of emotions we carry and walk with everyday in this life. There is not one simple answer or right way to do life other than to walk it out and do the very best you can with what you have in the moment.
A few reflections on the past few days of Mom’s wake and funeral.
We are loved, so was/is Mom.
Family and friends, old and new, came to witness and walk Mom home with us.
I will miss Mom and am grateful for the long life she shared with all of us.
She loved every single one of us. No one more but certainly all differently. She loved with specificity, not a broad brush. Never saying a bad word about anyone. We are all different and we have different relationships with each other. That’s good. It’s not a contest. It’s just love. Mom did that without measure or counting.
Let stuff go, quickly, don’t let it get a foothold.
Forgive and forget, learn the lesson, forget the experience.
Go to funerals and wakes.
Be present to witness, hold, laugh, cry.
Each one of us can be ministers to souls by simply showing up.
No words necessary, simple presence.
A long embrace.
Thank you deeply to all who did that for us this week.
Be optimistic, hopeful and light.
Love without condition or counting.
Anything less is not love.
A few things I wanted to say about Mom but didn’t when rushed and flustered by a different format than I expected at the wake:
Mom grew up on the east side of St. Paul with her brothers Don and Stan, mom Laura and Dad Jim. My Mom was 10 years old when her Mom died. She carried that cross every single day of her life. Through the years, Mom spoke often of going to Aunt Helen’s farm on Sundays. I imagine the first time that Aunt Helen told her to pick a chicken, Mom probably thought she was befriending an animal. Little did she know that “Henry” would soon be chicken and dumplings after Aunt Helen, who weighed 80 pounds wet, took an ax and outran the chicken. One night, her Aunt Rose heard a noise in the chicken coop. Rose picked up a rifle and headed into the dark to check it out.
Strong tough farm women. Raising Mom because her Mom was gone way too early. Tender steel. Mom carried those characteristics forward along with Aunt Helen’s Chicken and Dumplings recipe minus the chicken chase and ax, taking the shortcut picking up the chicken at Country Club or Red Owl.
So many times at funerals, we say, “I didn’t know that about (insert dead person).” So the final reflection that I will carry forward as I/we carry on without Mom at the table – listen, learn, get to know the people around you. Don’t assume the worst or judge. Love well and reach out. We are on this journey together. You never know what someone else is going through and the way you can find out is to ask, listen with your heart and merely love. Mom did that so very well. I will try my best to do that to carry her forward into my days ahead. Tender steel indeed.
“It is the narrowness of the riverbanks after all, that gives strength to the river.” – Rob Des Cotes
“Slow me down, God. Place your hand upon me and steady the racing of my heart. Take this weight from my shoulders, and pry these to-dos from my fingers. Deepen my breath and still my mind so that I can remember whose hands really do keep the stars hung in space.” — Kate Bowler, Jessica Richie, The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days
Right through the middle.
The only way through.
River bends, rapids, waves, calm waters.
No detours or shortcuts.
Gratitude and grief, roommates.
May I be present Lord in these next few days as we honor and celebrate Mom.
Make me like Mary ever present and not like Martha too busy to see what’s in front of her.
Amen.
“Blessed am I, beginning to recognize that my edges as well as my gifts can shape the natural contours of what is mine to hold, and mine to do. God will take care of all that you can’t, dear one. And you, too.”— Kate Bowler, Jessica Richie, The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days
“The servant who had received the two talents also came and said, ‘Master, you entrusted me with two talents. See, I have gained two more.’ His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master!”- Matthew 25:23
“Where there is love there is life.” – Mahatma Gandhi
“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” – Fred Rogers
Thank you for indulging very personal posts this week as we prepare to walk my Mom home for ourselves. All writing is personal, it’s special when it’s universal so I am hoping my ramblings can bring some form of hope, laughter and light. That is the only reason that I write Cast Light, to create meaning and generate a bit of optimism if possible. If one person doesn’t feel alone, finds some light and laughter, it is more than enough.
In the preparations of the burial, mass, luncheon, we are gathering memorabilia and photos. How do you sum up 86 years accurately or completely? These last months of caregiving in particular were challenging and narrowed our view to the daily duties and obligations. I am learning a lot about anticipatory grief and now the “it’s here and real” grief. Caregiving narrowed. Funeral planning is pulling us out from mouse view to eagle view, to see the whole story, to reflect on all of the chapters not a few pages of them.
Looking at old photos, there’s a joy, ease and innocence. A presence and lightness. The place we were fully before social media, punch out polarizing angry politics, 24-hour 800 station news informing us by the minute that the world is falling apart, melting into the sea, social unrest and angst, a 3 year pandemic, othering and judgment, making money off of misery, divisiveness and division. That is not the whole story. Too narrow and small. Eagle view needed.
“A family is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living.” – Charles R. Swindoll
I am not looking for the “good old days” but I will take some aspects of it. The lightness and laughter, the ease. I see it in my great nephews smiles now and on our faces in photos back then. More of that. That’s what I am longing for and inviting in. Laughter from bowling, playing boot hockey in the alley, ding dong ditch, a 49 cent whoopie cushion (might be a dollar now).
The world has stopped now for a bit and it will never go back to before. We live in the thresholds and afters and too often stuck in befores. We must live in the present, awake and aware, open and inviting the innocence of children who are around us and who remain in us if we would welcome them home.
Don’t wait for a funeral to look at pictures, sit on a whoopie cushion and reflect on the entirety of your life. And if there are things you don’t like and can change them, do it. Today, this day, no matter what is happening, is available to each of us to make something of it. Lighten up, exercise your laughter muscles and if possible go hang out with some kids and of course dogs, same sage teachers. Embrace that ease, lightness of laughter of that kid you were before the world told you different. The world is wrong. Play may be the real work of childhood but it should also be a required master class for adults.
“Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’”- Matthew 19:14
“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” – Desmond Tutu
“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”― Washington Irving
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson
My Mom joined Dad in heaven this week.
We walk her home for ourselves next week.
86 years old.
Tough and soft, tender steel.
From farm roots.
East side of Saint Paul, those who lived there know what that means.
Neighbors, friends, loyalty, family, community, laughter, hard work, hard play.
Love completed her life and remains for us to complete our own journey.
Grief and gratitude.
Joy and laughter.
Memories across a lifetime, not just a snapshot in time.
A good story.
May each of us complete our own story with comfort, smiles, rainbows, laughter, sunsets, hugs, beauty, friendships, faith, confidence, courage, patience and overflowing love. And the gift of God’s peace that passes all understanding.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”― Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times
“Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances, even in the midst of suffering, with tears in its eyes.”—Frederick Buechner, The Hungering Dark
“Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure.”― Henri J.M. Nouwen
We reduce.
Summarize.
Bucket.
Simplify.
Order.
Judge.
Assume.
Other.
Distill.
Life is richer, more complicated, and complex than a bumper sticker, a platitude, a paragraph, a snapshot.
Allow, invite and embrace the mystery, unknowing, intricacies, story, nuance, shadows, shapes and always light, always hope, always resurrection.
A beautiful mess, joy woven through all of it.
Always resurrection.
Easter and spring at the end of the story, with glimpses on each page.
“Oh, there are so many lives. How we wish we could live them concurrently instead of one by one by one. We could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. But that’s not how it works. A human life is a beautiful mess.”― Gabrielle Zevin, Elsewhere
“We must dare to pray even as we doubt… True faith is like a light that begins to flicker, however faintly, in the darkness that beckons us to pray even when we can hardly find the faith to pray.”― Jerry Sittser
“Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.”― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life
In grief and loss, light remains.
A destination.
A lighthouse.
May we all be angels for each other.
Cup full, both sorrow and joy.
Angels for each other.
Grace. Peace. Light.
“We need to be angels for each other, to give each other strength and consolation. Because only when we fully realize that the cup of life is not only a cup of sorrow but also a cup of joy will we be able to drink it.”― Henri J.M. Nouwen
Mom and me on a jet ski. One of my favorite photos. In the game.
We live a lot of life in between before and after, in the middle.
Then there are the afters, the lines we cross and there’s no going back.
No do-overs or second chances.
Today, is an after day.
Last night, my Mom died.
No turning back.
Going through is the only path.
No formulas.
No platitudes.
No turning back.
My Dad died in 2016 and Mom lived with me, my sister and brother, going between three houses each week for almost 7 years.
Almost two years ago, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, no treatment offered.
The fact that she survived for two years is only one indication of how tough she was and is.
Never admitting to pain, powering through.
The past 10 days she had been struggling, sleepless nights.
She loved the dogs, probably more than humans at times.
I get it.
Dogs just love without measure, memory or complication.
She loved us, the grandkids, and her great grandkids.
Always wanting to be busy, included and involved.
Stayed in the game to the very end.
I am grateful for the quick way she went considering the alternatives of the end of lung cancer.
Caregiving is a long hard journey filled with frustration, joy, exhaustion, all rooted in love.
So much more to say about Mom in the days to come.
Needed to mark this day, this time, as fumbling as this is.
For those who are caregivers, you are not alone and keep fighting the good fight.
We can do hard things, imperfectly, but love is big, expansive, undefinable.
And in the caregiving, we can be like Martha when Jesus comes.
Busy taking care of things, focused on our to-do lists, commitments, murmuring and responsibilities.
As I and we walk through these next days, I am going to be more like Mary and choose the better way.
Sitting at the feet of Jesus quietly listening, present as we walk Mom home for ourselves.
She’s already in Heaven in no pain, reunited with Dad, her Mom and Dad, brothers, friends and relatives she spoke of often and best friend, my Aunt Marion.
There’s a particular solace in her seeing her Mom again who she lost when she was 10 years old.
What a long embrace and reunion.
Martha, Martha, sit.
Choose the better way.
“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me! “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” – Luke 10:38-42
“Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor E. Frankl
“Cast Light” is an invitation to release your inner light, your authentic self every day. Choose light and cast it to the world.
Featured Quotes
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”― Mary Oliver
“I do not understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” — Anne Lamott
