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Posts from the ‘Family’ Category

Oct 4

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Mark This Day

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

I need to mark this day. A day of loss and one of deep gratitude as well – often what life is made of – a mix of both.  So many of the good lessons I’ve learned over the years have come from Lily. My funny, goofy best friend who always knew how to brighten a room with her levity and capacity for sheer delight.

After over a month struggling with an auto-immune disease, I needed to make a choice for her today, not me. Even after two blood transfusions, multiple tests and over eight medications, she wasn’t bouncing to her natural state of joy. As soon as she generated blood red cells, they were destroyed. After her second transfusion on Sunday, her red blood count dropped to half where it should be at a minimum. She wasn’t who she was and she was suffering.

It’s never easy to make the decision to say goodbye to a loyal and loving friend, but when you see the relief in her eyes as the pain releases from her body, you know it’s the right decision. She was only six years old and was still heartbroken over losing Molly in June and Dad in April. We were making our way, marking our days together, mending each other’s heart.

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Mark your days – each and every one – the good ones and the oh so difficult ones. And know underneath someone else’s distant or distracted nature, something very difficult may be going on in their life and most likely is. It happens to all of us to be sure. Be kind and compassionate especially if you don’t feel like it. And remember that we don’t have forever, so start enjoying your life today.

Lily showed me unconditional love, how to lighten up and how to greet others – with wide open eyes, boundless energy and an unending smile. And, if necessary, gently holding your arm in her mouth.

Safe travels to heaven Lily and give Molly and Dad a big hug from me. You’ll be sure to make your mark there like you did on my life here. Thank you love.

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Aug 29

Toast

“Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.” – Garrison Keillor

One of my favorite memories of the Minnesota State Fair is my parents coming out on Sunday after the 5k Milk Run, listening to music and having a beer or two with my friends. Yesterday was the first one without Dad, so we toasted the good memories and the good life we have even when it’s difficult.

“No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.” – Calvin Coolidge

“No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.” – Calvin Coolidge

True friends show up in the difficult times as well as for the toasts to honor people who remain with us even when they are gone.

Toast your life today and those who are in it right now. It is a good life. We need only open our eyes and see the light.

Aug 18

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Don’t, Don’t Miss This Day

“If every moment is sacred, and If you are amazed and in awe most of the time when you find yourself breathing and not crazy, then you are in a state of constant thankfulness, worship and humility.” – Bernice Johnson Reagon

In our frantic pursuit of who knows what, don’t miss this day. The one thing that this year has revealed in my search for understanding is that what is most important and remembered forever are the moments that we spend in simple conversation and connection, in laughter and in tears.

Be present and awake each day. And when you drift to the past or race to the future, grab yourself by the collar and pull yourself back to now. Our ordinary days offer a profoundness that we often only discover after they are gone. Capture the profound in the midst of unfolding.

Make your words more meaningful, embrace a bit longer, awaken to the sacredness of each day. Don’t ever dismiss or miss this day and the joy it offers. Ever.

Jul 26

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Permission to Play

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” – Marianne Williams

In the past months, I’ve been asked a lot “how are you doing?” While I appreciate the concern, I feel obligated to say “good,” to avoid talking about how I am really feeling, to not share the impact and depth of loss since who really wants to hear it. I often don’t want to hear it, say it or feel it myself.

But to be straight up and honest – Lily and me miss the members of our pack and best friends – Molly and Dad. It’s been a month for Molly and three months for Dad. Each day that passes eases the sharp and deep blow, yet a steady melancholy remains. Loneliness is hard to explain. Yet we all carry loss. How we carry or acknowledge or don’t acknowledge it varies.

“I gave myself permission to feel and experience all of my emotions. In order to do that, I had to stop being afraid to feel. In order to do that, I taught myself to believe that no matter what I felt or what happened when I felt it, I would be okay.” – Iyanla Vanzant

“I gave myself permission to feel and experience all of my emotions. In order to do that, I had to stop being afraid to feel. In order to do that, I taught myself to believe that no matter what I felt or what happened when I felt it, I would be okay.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Tonight I arranged a “play” date with Lily and her cousins Chloe and Grace. The past few times we’ve been together, Lily has been tentative and stayed in the house as a spectator rather than a participant. Tonight, it took a bit, but Lily let go and gave herself permission to play, to let loose. It was fun to see her chase the girls and to allow her smile to light up, if but for a short time.

No matter what we carry, we can lay it down for a moment and be carried by light and frivolity. It plants a seed of hope that this too shall pass with healing that time gives. And letting our burdens go to delight in the moment doesn’t erase or diminish loss. It reveals the sacredness and redemption of joy.

No matter what you may be going through, or what may come, give yourself permission to play like a kid or puppy. Forgetting where we are exposes that shadows are momentary and that momentous light remains steady and strong. Search for, delight in and cast light each day.

Jul 25

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Daily Grace

“The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The fabric, the very essence of life, is found in the daily-ness of it. Beauty, blessings and mystery are present to each of us in the thread of moments, the pattern of days and revelations that unfold in months and years.

Never take your days or those who are in them for granted. Be present, in awe and deeply aware of the fragility and grace that embraces, carries and holds each of us whether we realize it or not.

“For me, every hour is grace.” – Elie Wiesel

“For me, every hour is grace.” – Elie Wiesel

Jul 13

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The FULLness of Time

“When the fullness of time comes a sacred voice at the heart of us cries out, shaking the old foundation. It draws us into a turbulence that forces us to confront our deepest issues. It’s as if some inner, divine grace seeks our growth and becoming and will plunge us, if need be, into a cauldron that seeths with questions and voices we would just as soon not hear. One way or another, the false roles, indentities and illusions spill over the sides of our life, and we’re forced to stand in chaos.” – Sue Monk Kidd

I’ve been wandering a bit lost the past few months, taking it a minute at a time, going through rather than around. Knowing if I don’t go through now, I’ll end up going through the same thing later, again and again. Head on and through, like walking hip deep through wet cement.

“We don’t cross into the ‘sphere of rebirth’ by power but by descent, by being swallowed.” – James Campbell

I haven’t written as frequently in the blog since I haven’t been casting much light lately and words are not coming easy. But an authentic life is messy and beautiful. It’s filled with light and dark, delight and burden all at the same time. Sometimes one outweighs the other, but they co-exist.

Last night I was drawn back to one of my favorite books that I read over a year ago – When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. The word seeds were planted and now have broken ground with new meaning, describing what’s been indescribable. That’s what good authors, artists and friends do. They hold a mirror to show us our true selves beyond this moment and binoculars to show us hope in what will come when the time is right. They cast beauty and light inviting us to recharge and strengthen our own resolve and light.

Yesterday afternoon, I received a heartfelt email from a friend that pierced the darkness too. Her generous and kind words reminded me yet again of the power each of us has to positively impact others’ lives with words and deeds.

“We can endure, transcend and transform the storminess when we see the meaning and mystery of it.” – Sue Monk Kidd

So with the fullness of time coupled with patience, gratitude and fortitude, we will come out on the other side, our light stronger than ever. Bring it on time, bring it on.

Jul 5

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Biding Time

“Every man must patiently bide his time. He must wait / not in listless idleness but in constant, steady, cheerful endeavors, always willing and fulfilling and accomplishing his task, that when the occasion comes he may be equal to the occasion.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I’ve been keeping Lily busy (both of us really) the past week since Molly died. She’s got loneliness in her eyes that I can’t fix and it’s like looking in a mirror. We are both biding time, knowing that with passing of time it will be more tolerable and we’ll settle into a new normal we didn’t want but need to accept. I’ve had two dogs for the past twenty years and when one leaves the other behind, it’s heartbreaking. But the love and joy that they’ve shared through the years and that they let me share with them carries us through and stays with us.

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

So some distractions like swimming, long walks, patios that allow dogs and boating give us permission to smile and carry on since there are no other real options but to go through. So we bide time, we cry, we laugh, we play and we remember well, grateful for what has been, for what is present right now and for what is to come.

Jun 27

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Sweet Molly

“The most important lesson that I have learned is to trust God in every circumstance. Lots of times we go through different trials and following God’s plan seems like it doesn’t make any sense at all. God is always in control and he will never leave us.” – Allyson Felix

“That perfect bliss and sole felicity, the sweet fruition of an earthly crown.” – Christopher Marlowe

“That perfect bliss and sole felicity, the sweet fruition of an earthly crown.” – Christopher Marlowe

As written in this blog through the years, Molly and Lily have been an integral part of my life, primarily the joy of it. They cast light so naturally and have taught me how to cast light. This post saddens me to my very core, like some others over the past few months.

Molly had surgery last week on a torn ACL – last year at this time, it was her right leg. I brought her back on Saturday for a high temperature. This morning I got a call that she was in critical condition. After hours of stressed breathing, they were able to get an x-ray indicating severe problems with her lungs. The option was to hang on for desperate measures to keep her alive for a few hours or to let her go and release her from the pain.

Unconditional love knows when to hang on and when to let go. I do find comfort in Dad embracing her in heaven and lovingly walking off the leash of this world to a peace that passes all understanding.

Farewell Sweet Molly.

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Jun 19

What We Remember

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” – Cesare Pavese

Every day for the past eight weeks since Dad passed away, I have been flooded with flashes of time – moments of laughter, his gestures, our daily calls, his sage advice and quiet times just hanging out. He was not only my Dad, but my best friend who knew and understood me better than most.

Moments that seemed like little things at the time now reside front of mind and heart and what I miss the most. I want to call him to yip about my day, yap about his day or discuss the ridiculous world of politics.

Be acutely aware of the moments that you are spending or not spending with family and friends. Be careful, kind and generous with your words and acts. Go first to mend a broken relationship now so it’s not too late.

Celebrate your dad, mom, brother, sister, kids, friends each day and live well. You are creating memories that will remain deeply rooted in your heart that will carry you through good days and especially through the difficult ones. Life is built of moments. That’s what we remember, so spend them well.

“Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

May 25

Ask, Listen, Ask Again

“Standing as a witness in all things means all things – big things, little things, in all conversations, in jokes, in games played and books read and music listened to, in causes supported, in service rendered, in clothes worn, in friends made.” – Margaret D. Nadauld

In loss, we vividly see the gain, the depth, the abundance of what was AND what IS right now. Big events, milestones – birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals – make us stop to witness and celebrate our individual lives together, in community.

If we are present daily, aware and alive in the moments that create memories, weaving the fabric of our lives a stitch at a time, we can witness and celebrate each and every day as well.

Don’t speed through this day, planning for the next milestone, missing the moments, the substance of life. Put your phone down, have an in person conversation, look at someone, anyone, everyone in the eye with rapt attention. Learn something new about the world, your neighbor, your family, yourself. Go deeper, gaze longer, notice all that is contained and offered in this very day.

We are called to witness and participate in not only our own life but others as well. Ask, listen, ask again.

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